WCAX Is Not Reporting A Junior High Shooting!

Vermont-based television station, WCAX posted a story from the wires today instructing them NOT to go with a story regarding a junior high shooting in Oxnard, California. Instructions from the Associated Press inform them "a kill is mandatory". Awkward! Full text follows:

Associated Press - February 13, 2008 9:13 PM ET

OXNARD, Ca. (AP) - Kill the story filed as V2023, V2025, slugged Junior High Shooting, which moved at 6:02 and 6:13 p.m. Eastern. Do not use the story. The medical examiner says Lawrence King has been declared brain dead by two neurosurgeons and is clinically dead but remains on a ventilator for possible organ donation. He has not died.

A kill is mandatory.

Make certain the story is not published.

Too late.

OMG! Dude from Paramore totes jk about Hillary

Did you hear what some guy from that band Paramore said!? No? Well, he called presidential candidate Hillary Clinton "crazy"! In a webchat with Gigwise, guitarist Josh Farro relented to the Leaders of Tomorrow™ and finally clued us in on his position on the 2008 Election:

"I haven’t really looked into US politicians that much this year. I really hope Hillary Clinton doesn’t get elected cause she’s crazy!!!!"

You hear that, America? Four exclamation points worth of crazy, that Hillary Clinton. But maybe crazy is what America needs, says some kid named Renan during the same exchange. Farro responds:

“Why do we need a crazy person in charge? What good would that do?”

Controversial! But don't worry - the guitarist of Paramore doesn't mean what he says:

"[Bassist] Jeremy [Davis] and I were on a message board, and kids were just asking us continually, 'What do you think about Hillary Clinton?' and I just felt like saying, 'She's crazy,' " Farro said. "Because we're not a political band at all, like, we try and separate ourselves from that because it gets too ... I didn't mean anything by it, and now I've learned to keep my mouth shut about that stuff. Stay out of politics."

Gets too...what, Josh? My guess is too confusing for your key demo.

Bob Loblaw's Legal Eagle: Randy Quaid: "Go fuck yourself!"

Welcome to Bob Loblaw's Legal Eagle, a feature that appears when crazies as well as money-hungry normals attempt to sue the pants off celebrities and eccentric billionares of Scrooge McDuck-esque portions. And no, we don't care that there already is a real Bob Loblaw.

In today's Legal Eagle, we have some housekeeping to do. This past month was busy for Randy "Cousin Eddie" Quaid! His wife, Evi kicked some receptionist in the shins until she bled and uncovered the Nazi plot against Mr. Quaid! He got banned from Actor's Equity! But there's more: Gothamist has reposted letters sent to the Post and Backstage. In Randy's letter to the post, he explains that Equity can't fire him because he's already quit!

Hood Rich: Nas and Ratatat

Yesssirrr it's time for Hood Rich: All the news that's fit to pimp. It's our feeble attempt at collecting some of the more interesting recent happenings in the world of hip-hop into one easily palatable information smoothie.

• Ratatat Remixes Mixtape Volume 2, the Brooklyn electronica duo's sophomore rap remix compilation is available for free download from Ratatat's website. The new record favors Roc-A-Fella greats like Jay-Z and Beanie Sigel, Dirty South residents Young Buck and Bun B. and the timeless Notorious B.I.G.
• Nah Right has a pretty funny video chronciling the plight of the cauacasian Nas fan and the challenges posed by his new album, "Nigger".
  

Rihanna involved in completely uneventful car crash

Grammy Award winner Rihanna, who we recently found out is a recipient of The Time frontman Morris Day's "Jungle Love" was recently involved in post-Grammy a car accident! But everyone's fine. No reason to be alarmed. Or to care at all, actually.

The war against HD DVD continues

HD DVD, the modern-day Beta just can't get a break. Netflix has announced they will discontinue carrying the format, and will have phased it out completely by year's end.

The HD DVD Group always sees the silver lining in every cloud of a shitstorm. They issued this sticks-and-stones statement:
We have long held the belief that HD DVD is the best format for consumers based on quality and value, and with more than 1 million HD DVD players on the market, it's unfortunate to see Netflix make the decision to only stock Blu-ray titles going forward. While the Best Buy announcement says they will recommend Blu-ray, at least they will continue to carry HD DVD and offer consumers a choice at retail.

Bob Loblaw's Legal Eagle

Welcome to Bob Loblaw's Legal Eagle, a feature that appears when crazies as well as money-hungry normals attempt to sue the pants off celebrities and eccentric billionares of Scrooge McDuck-esque portions. And no, we don't care that there already is a real Bob Loblaw.

First up we have Mel Columcille Gerard Gibson. You may know him as Mad Max, the guy who says "Give me back my son!" in Ransom, or even as that dude who called some cop "sugar tits". But today we learned what religiously-named Benedict Fitzgerald sees him as: A LIAR!

• Fitzgerald, who shared screenwriting credits with Gibson, claimed he agreed to "a salary substantially less than what he would have taken had he known the true budget for the film,"
• The lawsuit claims fraud, breach of contract, unjust enrichment and seeks unspecified damages. It also names Gibson's Icon Productions LLC as a defendant.

In other gavel-swinging news, the family of beloved Three's Company star and my childhood hero, John Ritter, are suing a bunch of Burban doctor-types. The suit alleges that two doctors and eight other medical personnel wrongfully diagnosed and treated Ritter, who died from an aoritc tear in 2003.

Reader Survey: How do you hide your boner?

The SomethingAwful forums are widely known to be a hotbed of internet activity. In this case, the definition of activity includes socially inept behavior, public spectacle, and um..

On second thought, we'll let this recent forum post speak for itself:

Recently I found I was not the only one.

Long ago, when I would be making out with a lady, I would get a boner, and for whatever reason, I thought she might be upset about that (I don't know why). So when we were finished with kissing, I would have to leave the room "clever" so she woudlent see it.

What I would do was crawl away on all fours pretending to be a cat. I would even go as far as saying "meow" as I crawled around the corner to fix myself before I went upstairs.....

Another friend of mine apparently use to pretend he was a monkey while jumped around until he was clear out of the room.

Anyone else?

We know one of you has a story of how you hide that horribly emasculating piece of your anatomy commonly known as a boner. Which one of God's beautiful creatures do you find to be the most representative of your penis-related shame?

Source: Did you hide your boner?

Breaking: Drinks have calories, too!

Transfat, calories, sugar, and everything else in the world is bad for you. This has been established. Until today, we have known only of fast food restaurants as the harbingers of a delicious but fattening demise.

The NY State Health Department is requiring chain resturants with more than 15 locations to list the calorie contents of sundry libations. Oh nose! What will we do?

Thankfully, Big Grub will protect us from our own ignorance:

The New York State Restaurant Association has filed suit against the Health Department.

"We believe this regulation is unconstitutional, will confuse consumers, and will not achieve its intended purpose," said Amy Freshwater, a spokeswoman for Carlson Restaurants Worldwide, the parent company of T.G.I. Friday's.

To be honest, the scientific manner in which these nutrition facts are displayed can be a little daunting. What's a calorie? And why are there approx. 500 in a Chocolate Martini? This type of jargon can be impenetrable to the average eater's eye.

Source: NY Post