Sunday, May 10, 2009

Doing More With Less: My 2-Point Plan to Bailout the MTA

Sometimes it seems as though as MTA budgets have a directly inverse relationship with the reliability of MTA service. In a little over a year, the MTA has managed two major service hikes, effecting (read: fisting) both unlimited and pay-per-ride straphangers, with the cost per ride now sitting at $2.25, and the monthly unlimited price jumping from what was just $76 a little over a year ago, and is now $90 and gaining.

A lasting lesson of the indie-filmmaking movement of the early 90's was to consider the resources you already have, and to plan around that. It seems the Mass Transit Authority could also learn from these teachings. It seems as though in their current mad grasp at revenue, they haven't considered leveraging their current advertising opportunities to raise maximum revenue.

Paterson and Bloomberg and the High Horse they Rode in On

Ball-less accidental Governor Paterson and Dollar Sign Mike famously stood up for Joe Subwayrider last summer, suggesting "lucrative" fundraising alternatives like raising the tax on cigarettes in NY Indian Reservations. This has left both Indians and commuters shedding a solitary tear over the sacrilegious cost of a few drags. Despite our officials' dynamic policy strategy which leaves us shelling out more for smokes, somehow, the MTA is more expensive and less efficient.

We'll ignore the fact that MTA Conductors seem to be either experiencing severe burnout, lack resources for proper training, or just don't give a fuck, and that in additional to budget-based service cuts, general inefficiency has made the NYC subway ride a uniquely torurous experience, full of garbled commands being barked through muddled speakers, classified-quality advertisements, and misjudged stopping distances.

In July 2008, the deaf, dumb, and blind Gov asserted his power and solidified his position as a people's advocate while holding a press conference from City Hall.

"Another fare hike this soon after the last fare hike, just in my opinion, is not wise," Mr. Paterson said at a press conference yesterday, adding that the MTA should look at its books once more. "This just cannot become the new way that the MTA solves problems: Every time there is an issue, pass along the increase."


Eager to back Governor Magoo, in hopes of getting a blank check, Dollar Sign Mike promised similar vigilance towards the MTA, later that same July day:
"Until we're convinced they're doing more with less, we certainly wouldn't support a fare increase,".


And yet, somehow, the fare increase has been passed along (and I do mean passed along), with the promise of future hikes arriving more rapidly than late-night subway cars. Doing more with less, huh? I can think of a few ways to do that.

Today I'll focus solely on the branding opportunities available to the MTA. It has become clear that MTA is interested in featuring multimedia-rich installations, like the germ-havens that allow you to plug in your headphones to a muffled audio source, or the projectors that could really use a quick recalibration. That said, they don't monetize this process to the extent they should, falling woefully short of potential advertising revenue.

Without being obtrusive or distracting, it's possible to provide more results-oriented opportunities. Through my 2-point plan, the MTA could offer high value real estate to advertisers and partners, thus attracting more lucrative contacts.

1. Buskers & Us: A Lesson In Harmony

A long-time scourge of the cavernous NYC MTA dwellings is the busker. Arguably cleaner than his less-sophisticated brethren, the bum, the busker derives his revenue through eclectic performances, whether that be providing musical accompaniment, through the juxtaposition of immaculately crafted street ballet, and heart-breaking spoken word performances about regionally-successful baseball team sans uniforms (but with M&M Peanuts), affordable battery promotions, and opportunities to invest in urban infrastructure through a micro-contribution in the form of pocket change to rebuild an apartment building that is probably still ablaze, judging by the orator's tattered clothing.

So...the first step is to get these jokers out of here. We monetize this process by confiscating any revenue earned through panhandling. A zero-tolerance policy is exercized, and confiscated revenue subsidizes the cost of increased Transit Cop presence. It also leaves the suckers, or in this, "customers", as the MTA affectionately refers to us commuters, with a few dollars more in their pockets for future cash-wasting opportunities, later in this very text.

Now, as you may have noticed, there are also officially-sanctioned Subway performers, as a part of the "Arts for Transit" initiative. These "performers" have the artistically-compelling directive to enrich our everyday commute, and to enrich themselves through selling recordings and merchandise, as well as securing new bookings and exposure.

According to the auditons section of the page, all these jokers have to do is show up in the Spring, fake their way through a couple ditties, and laugh all the way to the bank. NOT ANYMORE!

Here's how it now works: sure, we can still solicit demos and pretend we care about the quality of these performers. Regardless, we are now going to let performers bid on different Subway stations. They will pay a monthly rate to be the designated performer for that station, or a station can have a schedule, and allow several performers to rotate. Not only will these performers now make more money, as their "competition" has been eliminated from the environment, but now they can also strategically target the most appropriate station for their "art".

It's also worth mentioning we can make them declare their earnings, and then we can not only hit them with a leasee fee wherein we deduct a percentage of their merch revenue, but the IRS can join the action and DP them. Anyway, do this and BAM! Ten zillion dollars raised for the MTA right there.

2. Added-Value Service Broadcasts

Either the MTA audio broadcast systems are archaic and wholly inadequate, or a mischievous audio engineer has been playing Charlie Brown reruns for some time now. Either way, riders have no idea what messages the MTA is trying to communicate.

While the video screens on the new R160 trains are a good start, it's clear the system could use improvement. It seems to me a large speaker manufacturer might be interested in footing the bill of this endeavor, and in exchange we give them....a spot for the logo on the back of the Metrocard? Sounds good to me.

Oh, but we're not stopping here. Now that we have this great audio system, let's really utilize the broadcast feature. Right now we have service announcements that advise us about ever present delays, stern directives to stand clear of the closing doors, and double-speed regional highlights at each stop. It seems like if we're already going to announce the local high-points (say Port Authority or New York University), that it might be possible to let, say Mary Poppins at the New Amsterdam Theater or a McSorley's Pub in the East Village) to pay for this consideration. They'll get an announcement every time the train stops there, maybe they could pay more for enhanced video-integration, and they get a sign at the Subway station.

Conclusion

Even though the NYC Mass Transit Authority has taken each and every opportunity to punish the "customer", we continue to have stronger brand loyalty to the MTA than almost any other product or service we interact with. I sincerely hope that knowledge I've dropped can benefit the MTA. Or at least get Marty Markowitz to go away from my Google Reader for a while.

Matt Rasmussen is an avid-walker, infrequent subway rider, and regular complainer. In addition to being a blight on society, he is the writer and director of the upcoming web comedy series The Tom Bonner Show, he has claimed to run Surf Astoria, a neighborhood cafe and artist collective in Astoria, NY, and maintains an erratically-updated Twitter.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Public Service Announcement

Effective today, this blog is back in full effect.



Oh, and register to vote.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Former Kid Nation participant takes action

Trouble is brewing in sorta-fake ghost town Bonanza City, home to the 40 pre-pubescent pioneers who participated in child-exploitation reality series, Kid Nation. The one-hour CBS show, which never really lived up to potential but was still sort of awesome. We already knew that Bonanza was more than $20,000 gold stars and root beer floats, but now a former contestant who was injured during taping is suing the "town council" of the Columbia Broadcasting System for anywhere between 300-450 gold stars. The stupidly-named Vulture Blog has a round-up of known injuries:
  • Four pioneers accidentally drank bleach from an unmarked soda bottle
  • 11-year-old Divad who burned her face on a stove but said she was fine afterwards
Our money is on jew crew member, entrepreneur, Shakespearean actor, pimp of KN, and future of America™, Jared.

Catholic Church announces new sins

In a hail mary attempt to disconnect with the youth of today, the Pope has announced 7 new "social sins", which will allow the Future of America™ to rebel in modern ways like using birth control or littering. No longer is being lazy enough to fully earn God's ire, one now needs engineer massive socio-economic changes like creating poverty. The full list of the 7 nu-sins follows:
† "Bioethical" violations such as birth control
† "Morally dubious" experiments such as stem cell research
† Drug Abuse
† Polluting the environment
† Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor
† Excessive wealth
† Creating Poverty
For those attempting to check off all the items their unholy bucket list, here are the O.G. 7 Deadly Sins:
† Pride
† Envy
† Gluttony
† Lust
† Anger
† Greed
† Sloth
Hurry, hurry! Last one to the great white thone of judgement is a rotten egg who won't get punished for sin after the general ressurection and last judgement!

Nas is in talks to play Kool G. Rap

The recently announced Juice Crew biopic, Vapors, may be getting Queensbridge native, Nas to play the legendary Kool G. Rap, Wooohah reports. There are a bunch of huge names already attached: Clifton Powell as Mr. Magic; Keke Palmer as Roxanne Shante; and Evan Ross as MC Shan. It has been erroneously reported by many hip-hop news sources that Cuba Gooding Jr. is playing Marley Marl and David Banner as Biz Markie. Who would you like to see attempting to fill the kicks of the two legendary MCs? And how about KRS-one?

Oh, by the way...wanna be in the new Notorious B.I.G. flick?

The best advice comes from Rats

We've had enough of know-it-all advice column hacks who freely dispense worthless tips with no regard for accuracy, clarity, or usefulness. That's why we've been digging the new column Ask Rats! Ask Rats is written by Jayson Musson aka PackOfRats from Philly nigga-wizard-rap quartet Plastic Little, the author of Too Black for B.E.T., (infrequent) blogger, and all-around good guy. Here's how Mr. Rats fielded a recent query from a chap who couldn't keep up with his girl's astoundingly high sex drive:
"I have to say that any girlfriend that wants to fuck all day and let the used condoms and take-out containers pile up around you while you two conduct your cycle of fucking, eating, sleeping, fucking, eating, and sleeping again, is some marrying material."
And here's how the Black Like Me author responded to a reader who was not sure how to handle jealousy brought on by her husband keeping in touch with former lovers:
"Your husband, who I might say, sounds like quite the shrewd individual, is probably just preparing for the inevitable and I advise you to do the same or you'll end up spending your lonely, post-marriage single days watching Law and Order with a Sybian you've sadly decided to name 'Henry.'"
We think you'll dig the rest. Keep up with Jay at Philly's two.one.five mag.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Quarterlife 2.0: 5 Other Failed Net Shows

Here's a shocker - a show that started on the Internet and went to the National Broadcasting Corporation, Quarterlife has failed. The hour-long drama which originated on MySpace is about twenty-somethings "coming of age in the digital age"(current!). But it wasn't all winky-emoticons and banana splits for the creators of cancelled young-folk shows like My So-Called Life and Thirtysomething, as Quarterlife failed to hit with its target demo(or any demo!), who they undoubtedly expected to put down their computers long enough to watch something on some outdated device of yesteryear. Surely, this relatable and hip concept would result in tens, maybe elevens, or 18-24 year olds twittering "brb watching quarterlife". Unfortunately the net-centric series garnered NBC the worst ratings for the time-slot in twenty years.

Sadly, the world just isn't read for the marriage of Television and Internet, and might not be for quite some time. We have an exclusive look at 5 other web originals that weren't able to make the jump from the small screen to the slightly-larger screen:

5. Kitchen Beat Box

Pitch: Rachel Ray meets Rakim
Reason Network Execs Passed: "Too ethnic.", "dicey", "not friendly to deaf viewers"

4. Lasagna Cat

Pitch: A sitcom version of the "popular" and "humorous" Jim Davis comic strip, "Garfield". While passed on, a Heathcliff-based take-off is currently being shot on spec for My9.
Reason Network Execs Passed: "Too catty", licensing issues, "intellectually challenging"

3. Leave Chris Crocker Alone/The Chris Crocker Experience

Pitch: Chris Crocker, "famous" for crying about Britney Spears and...crying about Britney Spears stars in this morning chat show, in which he takes celebrities of ill repute under his wing and defends them from the meanie public.
Reason Network Execs Passed: "Too 'gay'", alleged ego and diva-like behavior of namesake

2. Who's Fucking Who?

Pitch: Days of Our Lives for the Internet generation. In each episode, a new set of celebrity fornicators would be revealed.
Reason Network Execs Passed: "Too expensive", "racy"

1. 2 Girls 1 Cup
[Video removed to spare those of you with real jobs, "taste"]
Pitch: Hey, they said "lemon party" on 30 Rock, it's only a matter of time!
Reason Network Execs Passed: "Characters aren't likeable enough", "not enough merchandising opportunities", "there's already enough shit on Fox"

Mario Party

Try as we might, we just can't bring ourselves to hate this recent Mario Party hosted in Denmark. While the concept is admittedly dorky, we were surprised to not see morbidly obese cosplayers and nebbish gamers, but instead, normals [Ed note: Okay, there were some azns]. Among the featured cocktails for the event is this tasty-sounding twist on the Southern Peach cocktail:

Princess Peach

  • 2 cl Southern Comfort
  • 2 cl Peach Bols
  • 5 cl Cranberry juice
  • 2 cl Lime juice

Directions:
Shake. Serve without ice in chilled martini glass.

Garnish:
Peach wedge and pink umbrella

We'll stick to our usual, but the site does have some fun options.