Quarterlife 2.0: 5 Other Failed Net Shows

Here's a shocker - a show that started on the Internet and went to the National Broadcasting Corporation, Quarterlife has failed. The hour-long drama which originated on MySpace is about twenty-somethings "coming of age in the digital age"(current!). But it wasn't all winky-emoticons and banana splits for the creators of cancelled young-folk shows like My So-Called Life and Thirtysomething, as Quarterlife failed to hit with its target demo(or any demo!), who they undoubtedly expected to put down their computers long enough to watch something on some outdated device of yesteryear. Surely, this relatable and hip concept would result in tens, maybe elevens, or 18-24 year olds twittering "brb watching quarterlife". Unfortunately the net-centric series garnered NBC the worst ratings for the time-slot in twenty years.

Sadly, the world just isn't read for the marriage of Television and Internet, and might not be for quite some time. We have an exclusive look at 5 other web originals that weren't able to make the jump from the small screen to the slightly-larger screen:

5. Kitchen Beat Box

Pitch: Rachel Ray meets Rakim
Reason Network Execs Passed: "Too ethnic.", "dicey", "not friendly to deaf viewers"

4. Lasagna Cat

Pitch: A sitcom version of the "popular" and "humorous" Jim Davis comic strip, "Garfield". While passed on, a Heathcliff-based take-off is currently being shot on spec for My9.
Reason Network Execs Passed: "Too catty", licensing issues, "intellectually challenging"

3. Leave Chris Crocker Alone/The Chris Crocker Experience

Pitch: Chris Crocker, "famous" for crying about Britney Spears and...crying about Britney Spears stars in this morning chat show, in which he takes celebrities of ill repute under his wing and defends them from the meanie public.
Reason Network Execs Passed: "Too 'gay'", alleged ego and diva-like behavior of namesake

2. Who's Fucking Who?

Pitch: Days of Our Lives for the Internet generation. In each episode, a new set of celebrity fornicators would be revealed.
Reason Network Execs Passed: "Too expensive", "racy"

1. 2 Girls 1 Cup
[Video removed to spare those of you with real jobs, "taste"]
Pitch: Hey, they said "lemon party" on 30 Rock, it's only a matter of time!
Reason Network Execs Passed: "Characters aren't likeable enough", "not enough merchandising opportunities", "there's already enough shit on Fox"

Mario Party

Try as we might, we just can't bring ourselves to hate this recent Mario Party hosted in Denmark. While the concept is admittedly dorky, we were surprised to not see morbidly obese cosplayers and nebbish gamers, but instead, normals [Ed note: Okay, there were some azns]. Among the featured cocktails for the event is this tasty-sounding twist on the Southern Peach cocktail:

Princess Peach

• 2 cl Southern Comfort
• 2 cl Peach Bols
• 5 cl Cranberry juice
• 2 cl Lime juice

Directions:
Shake. Serve without ice in chilled martini glass.

Garnish:
Peach wedge and pink umbrella

We'll stick to our usual, but the site does have some fun options.

PSA: Wear a Sweater Day

March 20th is "Won't You Wear a Sweater" Day. By the way, the rumor that Fred Rogers wore a sweater because he was inked-up former sniper is from the land of make believe.

Lighter Side: Trapper gives van to future of america™

Welcome to the Lighter Side of the Internet, where we post heartwarming tales of unicorns, puppies, and blueberry pancakes! It's our version of the little girl in the pink coat from Schindler's List.

Today's story is about generic rapper but apparent good guy, Young Jeezy. Jeezy gave a wheelchair accessible van to a 13-year-old fan with cerebral palsy last night after receiving a letter from his mom. The note explained how hard it is for her to leave the house because of the boy's disability. She also mentioned that her husband and the boy's father is currently stationed in Iraq. We definitely feel for the kid, especially since it's probably the most heartbreaking tale we've heard since that girl and her mom who said her dad died in Iraq to score Hannah Montana tickets.

In addition to the magical van, young Davon Jenkins also received a "personalized wardrobe [consisting of Jeezy's] 8732 clothing line". Apparently in order to receive the van, the poor kid needs to suffer the cripplingundeserved fate of becoming a walking Young Jeezy billboard? Regardless, we salute the southern rapper for giving something to society with slightly more merit than coke-dealer anthems.

Speaking of coke dealer anthems! Stay tuned for our list of the top 10 rapper drug-arrests, coming early next week.

Intellectual Property and You: A Lesson of Relative Value

Do you go to networking parties and tell people about how you have three novels with lots of publisher interest and because you're totally a starving artist who couldn't afford to copyright them, you mailed your brilliant manuscripts to yourself and never opened them? Then you might want to consider becoming an "Intellectual Property Donor©"! You see, an intellectual property donor is someone who thinks their intellectual property is sooooooo valuable that John & Jane Q. Mogul will be knocking down his or her next of kin's doors to option the many sublime works he or she created before passing on to the networking party in the sky. According to this guide to becoming an IPD©, by donating your IP you "promote the progress of science and useful arts". Hopefully by the time you die MySpace surveys and tumblrs are considered useful arts. Do something useful and become a real donor, please.

DISCLAIMER: I am not an Intellectual Property Donor© because there is no shortage on misplaced commas, awkward syntax, and run-on sentences. I am, however, an actual donor.

5 Reasons Why We Love Kid Sister

We don't try to hide very hard the fact that Chicago club-rapper Kid Sister is one of our celebrity crushes. It's hard to articulate just why, but there's just something about her bubbly charm, bouncy flow, and...well, she's just mad cute. We try not to gush, honest, but...listen, here is a five-step plan for you to fall in love with her too.

1. Her videos are fantastic. Pro Nails f. Kanye West has been taking over whatever channels music videos are played on and her new video, Beeper, a Count & Sinden record she did a feature on is a high-energy throwback that makes us bounce up-and-down in a way which is unbecoming for someone who is typing at a computer.
2. We want to be friends with her friends. Here contacts list reads like our iTunes recently played: her boyfriend is A-trak, a world-champion DJ, Justo nominee, and co-owner of Fool's Gold Records. Her brother, DJ, and hypeman is J2K of Flosstradamus. Kanye West asked to be on her song!
   
3. We are counting the days to her new record. She just announced a deal with Downtown Records for her upcoming album, Koko B. Ware. It dropping this summer and is going to feature producers like XXXChange, Trackademics, and some Dipset cats. We can hardly contain ourselves!
4. Her name reminds of us other things that we like. We had a My Buddy doll when we were little, the companion to Hasbro's Kid Sister. Also, the name Kid Sister sort of sounds like one of our favorite indie-ish rap groups, Little Brother.
   
5. We totes relate to her! She posts MySpace blogs about how broke she is/was. She just got cable!
   

We could keep going, but are trying to avoid sounding all dream phone about her. We'll leave it at this: Kid Sis is super cute and you need to friend her and add her to your playlist sooner rather than later. Here is a track to get you started:

Kid Sister - Damn Girl (Control EP)

Nasty breakfast food comes in all shapes and sizes

When I was a wee lad suffering from ugly duckling syndrome, my mother always told me that each vile morning snack was special in it's own each way. I'm not sure why this was supposed to be reassuring, but it sure did help! Here is a self-esteem boost for all you breakfast bombshells out there.

Good news for brunchers who prefer freezerburn to lox: Kraft Foods has announced plans to released a bagel pre-filled with cream cheese. Delish, right!? But wait, there's more - these doughy delights, named Bagel-fuls (blech), which are sure to be hard as a rock come in not one, but TWO tantalizing flavors: regular OR cinnamon! Sold!

The campaign to stop the extinction of those actually-not-that-bad breakfast sandwiches that Starbucks serves all day long is not going so well. Sure, they looked really nasty in the display and were sort of stale and funky, but is that really any reason to discontinue them? Join the movement now, you can be the 40th sangwich soldier in this ill-attended revolution!

Dr. Dre to release super-premium Cognac, sparkling vodka

Former N.W.A. member, award-winning DJ and producer, Aftermath Entertainment CEO, and 1/4th of a fictional famous landmark, Dr. Dre, has announced a way to fill the void left by still not finishing his highly-anticipated solo album, Detox. He's going to get into the luxury beverage market!

Dre will be teaming with Drinks America, who make fine libations like Trump Vodka (created by a failure with fine golden locks who hasn't tasted it), Willie Nelson's Old Whiskey River Bourbon, and Rheingold Beer. In addition to Drinks America's portfolio of failures there is the overwhelmingly delicious Newman's Own line of lightly sparkling juices.

Dre's first releases will be a "super-premium Cognac" and a "special sparkling vodka beverage". No word if Dre is aware that there already is a special sparkling vodka beverage, known to most as Ketel & Club Soda.

Dre is not the first rapper to get involved in the beverage game. Previous and current failures include: Damon Dash's Armadale Vodka, Jay-Z's Cognac, Lil Jon's Crunk Energy Drink, Dipset's (and now M.O.P's) Sizzurp Purple Punch Liqueur.

This does, however, beg us to ask: which rapper-branded rotgut would you like to see next?

50 Cent's Bub Sparkling Wine
T-Pain's Drank
Nelly's Pimp Juice
Big Boi's Kryptonite
Ether by Nas
Soulja Boy Tell'em Berry Coolers

Please note, the first person to suggest Snoop Dogg's Gin & Juice in the comments will be swiftly banned.

Puma to release Fresh Prince of Bel-Air kicks

Puma announced plans to release limited edition Fresh Prince of Bel-Air sneakers. The Bel-Air Puma Clydes will be made of Italian alligator skin. The companion shoes, the graff-inspired "West Philly" edition will also drop on May 17th. This announcement comes hot on the heels (HA!) of a recent media-inspired footwear trend which includes: the Freddy Krueger SB Dunks, the Dawn of the Dead Air Trainers, Jason Voorhees hi-tops, Mtn. Dew dunks, and Obama Air Force 1s. Optimistic sneakerheads are still left hanging as far as the Nike Air McFly goes.

Shawn Carter: International Man of Marketing to be sued by a guy who is NOT DJ Kool Herc

Welcome to Bob Loblaw's Legal Eagle, a feature that appears when crazies as well as money-hungry normals attempt to sue the pants off celebrities and eccentric billionares of Scrooge McDuck-esque portions. And no, we don't care that there already is a real Bob Loblaw.

Jay-z is busy, busy, busy! Not only is he starting international marketing firms, allegedly starting new record labels, and getting removed from fictitious rap-based national monuments, but he's also busy with pending litigation.

[A gentleman sharing a government name with] hip-hop pioneer DJ Kool Herc is suing Mr. Carter for allegedly profiting from the African-American slave trade. The bank that is helping to finance and the owner of naming rights for the new Nets arena and Atlantic Yards Project is the source of these problems. Community activivist group, Da Black Defense League, with whom [the guy who is not] Herc is allied "explains" what they refer to as The Black Holocaust:

"the murder of 500,000,000 African Blacks and the demand for reparations for the abduction, murder, rape, willie-lynching and the stealing of all African natural resources; God given right to inherit those resources and our birth right to determine our own destiny." [XXL]

UPDATE: Just kidding! It's some different Clive Campbell, NOT DJ Kool Herc.
Oh, speaking of Jay-z! He might be planning to steal LeBron James from the Cavaliers. In like...two and a half years. [The Rap-Up]

Oh, oh! And Rush & Molloy think he's dropping an album with former labelmate Nas:

"Rumors continue to swirl about Jay-Z's still-unconfirmed new record label, Carter Music Group. We hear that Jay is partnering with rapper Nas on an album of duets, "The Kings of Hip Hop," to be released on the label early next year. Jay's rep is keeping tight-lipped." [Rush & Molloy]