Former Kid Nation participant takes action

Trouble is brewing in sorta-fake ghost town Bonanza City, home to the 40 pre-pubescent pioneers who participated in child-exploitation reality series, Kid Nation. The one-hour CBS show, which never really lived up to potential but was still sort of awesome. We already knew that Bonanza was more than $20,000 gold stars and root beer floats, but now a former contestant who was injured during taping is suing the "town council" of the Columbia Broadcasting System for anywhere between 300-450 gold stars. The stupidly-named Vulture Blog has a round-up of known injuries:

• Four pioneers accidentally drank bleach from an unmarked soda bottle
• 11-year-old Divad who burned her face on a stove but said she was fine afterwards

Our money is on jew crew member, entrepreneur, Shakespearean actor, pimp of KN, and future of America™, Jared.

Catholic Church announces new sins

In a hail mary attempt to disconnect with the youth of today, the Pope has announced 7 new "social sins", which will allow the Future of America™ to rebel in modern ways like using birth control or littering. No longer is being lazy enough to fully earn God's ire, one now needs engineer massive socio-economic changes like creating poverty. The full list of the 7 nu-sins follows:

† "Bioethical" violations such as birth control
† "Morally dubious" experiments such as stem cell research
† Drug Abuse
† Polluting the environment
† Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor
† Excessive wealth
† Creating Poverty

For those attempting to check off all the items their unholy bucket list, here are the O.G. 7 Deadly Sins:

† Pride
† Envy
† Gluttony
† Lust
† Anger
† Greed
† Sloth

Hurry, hurry! Last one to the great white thone of judgement is a rotten egg who won't get punished for sin after the general ressurection and last judgement!

Lighter Side: Trapper gives van to future of america™

Welcome to the Lighter Side of the Internet, where we post heartwarming tales of unicorns, puppies, and blueberry pancakes! It's our version of the little girl in the pink coat from Schindler's List.

Today's story is about generic rapper but apparent good guy, Young Jeezy. Jeezy gave a wheelchair accessible van to a 13-year-old fan with cerebral palsy last night after receiving a letter from his mom. The note explained how hard it is for her to leave the house because of the boy's disability. She also mentioned that her husband and the boy's father is currently stationed in Iraq. We definitely feel for the kid, especially since it's probably the most heartbreaking tale we've heard since that girl and her mom who said her dad died in Iraq to score Hannah Montana tickets.

In addition to the magical van, young Davon Jenkins also received a "personalized wardrobe [consisting of Jeezy's] 8732 clothing line". Apparently in order to receive the van, the poor kid needs to suffer the cripplingundeserved fate of becoming a walking Young Jeezy billboard? Regardless, we salute the southern rapper for giving something to society with slightly more merit than coke-dealer anthems.

Speaking of coke dealer anthems! Stay tuned for our list of the top 10 rapper drug-arrests, coming early next week.