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Former Kid Nation participant takes action

Trouble is brewing in sorta-fake ghost town Bonanza City, home to the 40 pre-pubescent pioneers who participated in child-exploitation reality series, Kid Nation. The one-hour CBS show, which never really lived up to potential but was still sort of awesome. We already knew that Bonanza was more than $20,000 gold stars and root beer floats, but now a former contestant who was injured during taping is suing the "town council" of the Columbia Broadcasting System for anywhere between 300-450 gold stars. The stupidly-named Vulture Blog has a round-up of known injuries:

• Four pioneers accidentally drank bleach from an unmarked soda bottle
• 11-year-old Divad who burned her face on a stove but said she was fine afterwards

Our money is on jew crew member, entrepreneur, Shakespearean actor, pimp of KN, and future of America™, Jared.

Catholic Church announces new sins

In a hail mary attempt to disconnect with the youth of today, the Pope has announced 7 new "social sins", which will allow the Future of America™ to rebel in modern ways like using birth control or littering. No longer is being lazy enough to fully earn God's ire, one now needs engineer massive socio-economic changes like creating poverty. The full list of the 7 nu-sins follows:

† "Bioethical" violations such as birth control
† "Morally dubious" experiments such as stem cell research
† Drug Abuse
† Polluting the environment
† Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor
† Excessive wealth
† Creating Poverty

For those attempting to check off all the items their unholy bucket list, here are the O.G. 7 Deadly Sins:

† Pride
† Envy
† Gluttony
† Lust
† Anger
† Greed
† Sloth

Hurry, hurry! Last one to the great white thone of judgement is a rotten egg who won't get punished for sin after the general ressurection and last judgement!

Nas is in talks to play Kool G. Rap

The recently announced Juice Crew biopic, Vapors, may be getting Queensbridge native, Nas to play the legendary Kool G. Rap, Wooohah reports. There are a bunch of huge names already attached: Clifton Powell as Mr. Magic; Keke Palmer as Roxanne Shante; and Evan Ross as MC Shan. It has been erroneously reported by many hip-hop news sources that Cuba Gooding Jr. is playing Marley Marl and David Banner as Biz Markie. Who would you like to see attempting to fill the kicks of the two legendary MCs? And how about KRS-one?

Oh, by the way...wanna be in the new Notorious B.I.G. flick?

The best advice comes from Rats

We've had enough of know-it-all advice column hacks who freely dispense worthless tips with no regard for accuracy, clarity, or usefulness. That's why we've been digging the new column Ask Rats! Ask Rats is written by Jayson Musson aka PackOfRats from Philly nigga-wizard-rap quartet Plastic Little, the author of Too Black for B.E.T., (infrequent) blogger, and all-around good guy. Here's how Mr. Rats fielded a recent query from a chap who couldn't keep up with his girl's astoundingly high sex drive:

"I have to say that any girlfriend that wants to fuck all day and let the used condoms and take-out containers pile up around you while you two conduct your cycle of fucking, eating, sleeping, fucking, eating, and sleeping again, is some marrying material."

And here's how the Black Like Me author responded to a reader who was not sure how to handle jealousy brought on by her husband keeping in touch with former lovers:

"Your husband, who I might say, sounds like quite the shrewd individual, is probably just preparing for the inevitable and I advise you to do the same or you'll end up spending your lonely, post-marriage single days watching Law and Order with a Sybian you've sadly decided to name 'Henry.'"

We think you'll dig the rest. Keep up with Jay at Philly's two.one.five mag.

Quarterlife 2.0: 5 Other Failed Net Shows

Here's a shocker - a show that started on the Internet and went to the National Broadcasting Corporation, Quarterlife has failed. The hour-long drama which originated on MySpace is about twenty-somethings "coming of age in the digital age"(current!). But it wasn't all winky-emoticons and banana splits for the creators of cancelled young-folk shows like My So-Called Life and Thirtysomething, as Quarterlife failed to hit with its target demo(or any demo!), who they undoubtedly expected to put down their computers long enough to watch something on some outdated device of yesteryear. Surely, this relatable and hip concept would result in tens, maybe elevens, or 18-24 year olds twittering "brb watching quarterlife". Unfortunately the net-centric series garnered NBC the worst ratings for the time-slot in twenty years.

Sadly, the world just isn't read for the marriage of Television and Internet, and might not be for quite some time. We have an exclusive look at 5 other web originals that weren't able to make the jump from the small screen to the slightly-larger screen:

5. Kitchen Beat Box

Pitch: Rachel Ray meets Rakim
Reason Network Execs Passed: "Too ethnic.", "dicey", "not friendly to deaf viewers"

4. Lasagna Cat

Pitch: A sitcom version of the "popular" and "humorous" Jim Davis comic strip, "Garfield". While passed on, a Heathcliff-based take-off is currently being shot on spec for My9.
Reason Network Execs Passed: "Too catty", licensing issues, "intellectually challenging"

3. Leave Chris Crocker Alone/The Chris Crocker Experience

Pitch: Chris Crocker, "famous" for crying about Britney Spears and...crying about Britney Spears stars in this morning chat show, in which he takes celebrities of ill repute under his wing and defends them from the meanie public.
Reason Network Execs Passed: "Too 'gay'", alleged ego and diva-like behavior of namesake

2. Who's Fucking Who?

Pitch: Days of Our Lives for the Internet generation. In each episode, a new set of celebrity fornicators would be revealed.
Reason Network Execs Passed: "Too expensive", "racy"

1. 2 Girls 1 Cup
[Video removed to spare those of you with real jobs, "taste"]
Pitch: Hey, they said "lemon party" on 30 Rock, it's only a matter of time!
Reason Network Execs Passed: "Characters aren't likeable enough", "not enough merchandising opportunities", "there's already enough shit on Fox"

Mario Party

Try as we might, we just can't bring ourselves to hate this recent Mario Party hosted in Denmark. While the concept is admittedly dorky, we were surprised to not see morbidly obese cosplayers and nebbish gamers, but instead, normals [Ed note: Okay, there were some azns]. Among the featured cocktails for the event is this tasty-sounding twist on the Southern Peach cocktail:

Princess Peach

• 2 cl Southern Comfort
• 2 cl Peach Bols
• 5 cl Cranberry juice
• 2 cl Lime juice

Directions:
Shake. Serve without ice in chilled martini glass.

Garnish:
Peach wedge and pink umbrella

We'll stick to our usual, but the site does have some fun options.

PSA: Wear a Sweater Day

March 20th is "Won't You Wear a Sweater" Day. By the way, the rumor that Fred Rogers wore a sweater because he was inked-up former sniper is from the land of make believe.

Lighter Side: Trapper gives van to future of america™

Welcome to the Lighter Side of the Internet, where we post heartwarming tales of unicorns, puppies, and blueberry pancakes! It's our version of the little girl in the pink coat from Schindler's List.

Today's story is about generic rapper but apparent good guy, Young Jeezy. Jeezy gave a wheelchair accessible van to a 13-year-old fan with cerebral palsy last night after receiving a letter from his mom. The note explained how hard it is for her to leave the house because of the boy's disability. She also mentioned that her husband and the boy's father is currently stationed in Iraq. We definitely feel for the kid, especially since it's probably the most heartbreaking tale we've heard since that girl and her mom who said her dad died in Iraq to score Hannah Montana tickets.

In addition to the magical van, young Davon Jenkins also received a "personalized wardrobe [consisting of Jeezy's] 8732 clothing line". Apparently in order to receive the van, the poor kid needs to suffer the cripplingundeserved fate of becoming a walking Young Jeezy billboard? Regardless, we salute the southern rapper for giving something to society with slightly more merit than coke-dealer anthems.

Speaking of coke dealer anthems! Stay tuned for our list of the top 10 rapper drug-arrests, coming early next week.

Intellectual Property and You: A Lesson of Relative Value

Do you go to networking parties and tell people about how you have three novels with lots of publisher interest and because you're totally a starving artist who couldn't afford to copyright them, you mailed your brilliant manuscripts to yourself and never opened them? Then you might want to consider becoming an "Intellectual Property Donor©"! You see, an intellectual property donor is someone who thinks their intellectual property is sooooooo valuable that John & Jane Q. Mogul will be knocking down his or her next of kin's doors to option the many sublime works he or she created before passing on to the networking party in the sky. According to this guide to becoming an IPD©, by donating your IP you "promote the progress of science and useful arts". Hopefully by the time you die MySpace surveys and tumblrs are considered useful arts. Do something useful and become a real donor, please.

DISCLAIMER: I am not an Intellectual Property Donor© because there is no shortage on misplaced commas, awkward syntax, and run-on sentences. I am, however, an actual donor.

5 Reasons Why We Love Kid Sister

We don't try to hide very hard the fact that Chicago club-rapper Kid Sister is one of our celebrity crushes. It's hard to articulate just why, but there's just something about her bubbly charm, bouncy flow, and...well, she's just mad cute. We try not to gush, honest, but...listen, here is a five-step plan for you to fall in love with her too.

1. Her videos are fantastic. Pro Nails f. Kanye West has been taking over whatever channels music videos are played on and her new video, Beeper, a Count & Sinden record she did a feature on is a high-energy throwback that makes us bounce up-and-down in a way which is unbecoming for someone who is typing at a computer.
2. We want to be friends with her friends. Here contacts list reads like our iTunes recently played: her boyfriend is A-trak, a world-champion DJ, Justo nominee, and co-owner of Fool's Gold Records. Her brother, DJ, and hypeman is J2K of Flosstradamus. Kanye West asked to be on her song!
   
3. We are counting the days to her new record. She just announced a deal with Downtown Records for her upcoming album, Koko B. Ware. It dropping this summer and is going to feature producers like XXXChange, Trackademics, and some Dipset cats. We can hardly contain ourselves!
4. Her name reminds of us other things that we like. We had a My Buddy doll when we were little, the companion to Hasbro's Kid Sister. Also, the name Kid Sister sort of sounds like one of our favorite indie-ish rap groups, Little Brother.
   
5. We totes relate to her! She posts MySpace blogs about how broke she is/was. She just got cable!
   

We could keep going, but are trying to avoid sounding all dream phone about her. We'll leave it at this: Kid Sis is super cute and you need to friend her and add her to your playlist sooner rather than later. Here is a track to get you started:

Kid Sister - Damn Girl (Control EP)

Nasty breakfast food comes in all shapes and sizes

When I was a wee lad suffering from ugly duckling syndrome, my mother always told me that each vile morning snack was special in it's own each way. I'm not sure why this was supposed to be reassuring, but it sure did help! Here is a self-esteem boost for all you breakfast bombshells out there.

Good news for brunchers who prefer freezerburn to lox: Kraft Foods has announced plans to released a bagel pre-filled with cream cheese. Delish, right!? But wait, there's more - these doughy delights, named Bagel-fuls (blech), which are sure to be hard as a rock come in not one, but TWO tantalizing flavors: regular OR cinnamon! Sold!

The campaign to stop the extinction of those actually-not-that-bad breakfast sandwiches that Starbucks serves all day long is not going so well. Sure, they looked really nasty in the display and were sort of stale and funky, but is that really any reason to discontinue them? Join the movement now, you can be the 40th sangwich soldier in this ill-attended revolution!

Dr. Dre to release super-premium Cognac, sparkling vodka

Former N.W.A. member, award-winning DJ and producer, Aftermath Entertainment CEO, and 1/4th of a fictional famous landmark, Dr. Dre, has announced a way to fill the void left by still not finishing his highly-anticipated solo album, Detox. He's going to get into the luxury beverage market!

Dre will be teaming with Drinks America, who make fine libations like Trump Vodka (created by a failure with fine golden locks who hasn't tasted it), Willie Nelson's Old Whiskey River Bourbon, and Rheingold Beer. In addition to Drinks America's portfolio of failures there is the overwhelmingly delicious Newman's Own line of lightly sparkling juices.

Dre's first releases will be a "super-premium Cognac" and a "special sparkling vodka beverage". No word if Dre is aware that there already is a special sparkling vodka beverage, known to most as Ketel & Club Soda.

Dre is not the first rapper to get involved in the beverage game. Previous and current failures include: Damon Dash's Armadale Vodka, Jay-Z's Cognac, Lil Jon's Crunk Energy Drink, Dipset's (and now M.O.P's) Sizzurp Purple Punch Liqueur.

This does, however, beg us to ask: which rapper-branded rotgut would you like to see next?

50 Cent's Bub Sparkling Wine
T-Pain's Drank
Nelly's Pimp Juice
Big Boi's Kryptonite
Ether by Nas
Soulja Boy Tell'em Berry Coolers

Please note, the first person to suggest Snoop Dogg's Gin & Juice in the comments will be swiftly banned.

Puma to release Fresh Prince of Bel-Air kicks

Puma announced plans to release limited edition Fresh Prince of Bel-Air sneakers. The Bel-Air Puma Clydes will be made of Italian alligator skin. The companion shoes, the graff-inspired "West Philly" edition will also drop on May 17th. This announcement comes hot on the heels (HA!) of a recent media-inspired footwear trend which includes: the Freddy Krueger SB Dunks, the Dawn of the Dead Air Trainers, Jason Voorhees hi-tops, Mtn. Dew dunks, and Obama Air Force 1s. Optimistic sneakerheads are still left hanging as far as the Nike Air McFly goes.

Shawn Carter: International Man of Marketing to be sued by a guy who is NOT DJ Kool Herc

Welcome to Bob Loblaw's Legal Eagle, a feature that appears when crazies as well as money-hungry normals attempt to sue the pants off celebrities and eccentric billionares of Scrooge McDuck-esque portions. And no, we don't care that there already is a real Bob Loblaw.

Jay-z is busy, busy, busy! Not only is he starting international marketing firms, allegedly starting new record labels, and getting removed from fictitious rap-based national monuments, but he's also busy with pending litigation.

[A gentleman sharing a government name with] hip-hop pioneer DJ Kool Herc is suing Mr. Carter for allegedly profiting from the African-American slave trade. The bank that is helping to finance and the owner of naming rights for the new Nets arena and Atlantic Yards Project is the source of these problems. Community activivist group, Da Black Defense League, with whom [the guy who is not] Herc is allied "explains" what they refer to as The Black Holocaust:

"the murder of 500,000,000 African Blacks and the demand for reparations for the abduction, murder, rape, willie-lynching and the stealing of all African natural resources; God given right to inherit those resources and our birth right to determine our own destiny." [XXL]

UPDATE: Just kidding! It's some different Clive Campbell, NOT DJ Kool Herc.
Oh, speaking of Jay-z! He might be planning to steal LeBron James from the Cavaliers. In like...two and a half years. [The Rap-Up]

Oh, oh! And Rush & Molloy think he's dropping an album with former labelmate Nas:

"Rumors continue to swirl about Jay-Z's still-unconfirmed new record label, Carter Music Group. We hear that Jay is partnering with rapper Nas on an album of duets, "The Kings of Hip Hop," to be released on the label early next year. Jay's rep is keeping tight-lipped." [Rush & Molloy]

Hood Rich: Kid Sister: "I’m just tryin’ to get my shine on!", Will.i.am. joins Wolvie cast, Hot Boys lose steam

Yesssirrr it's time for Hood Rich: All the news that's fit to pimp. It's our feeble attempt at collecting some of the more interesting recent happenings in the world of hip-hop into one easily palatable information smoothie.

• AllHipHop has a great interview with Chicago club rapper Kid Sister up today. She talks about riding her bike two miles uphill in the snow, defines juke, and talks about what it was like coming from working in a children's clothing store and "slangin' bibs" to playing Giants Stadium and collaborating with Kanye West.
• Billy Sunday has a great piece up explaining why the rumored Hot Boys reunion ain't all it cracked up to be. He gets into why a Fat Boys reunion is more likely, talks about the state of hip-hop and R&B, and rappers behind bars.
• Oh, and Black Eyed Peas frontman Will.i.am is now joining the cast of X-Men Origins: Wolverine now too. If only Fergie could get a role - ooh, maybe a To Wong Foo remake!
  
• Central Booking has an interview with street bass king, Philly DJ/Producer up, Dev 79. He talks about doing blow off the ass off select members of the fairer sex. Is that enough to get you to check it out?

Steve-O to Kat Von D: "Pull your career out of the fire, Good luck. Game over."

Today, a story about why mediocre tattooist-to-the-stars Kat Von D is a terrible girlfriend/wife and why Steve-O is...well, Steve-O.

Purported anti-semite and recently sober Kat Von D hates only one more thing than people of the Jewish faith: the institute of marriage. According to brain-dead meth-head Steve-o, that is. Celebrity Smack has the "exclusive" though I'll note their source is Steve-O's myspace. An accusatory and long-winded text message exchange follows:

Steve-O To Kat: Were you really saying that you wanted off my list? And why’d you delete Orbi and make Nikki such a big deal?

Changing your e-mail address will only serve to admit guilt and shame of your anti-semetic[sic] accusations. Nobody on Earth thinks Garver is a liar, if you want out of this situation, you have to make good with Garver– for He is the only man that can clear your name. Sueing[sic] won’t help you either– you must prosecute in the court of public opinion, with Garver as your witness… Or…

Let me try to finish “cleaning out my closet”– I travelled[sic] to roughly sixteen countries with Carolla, and got him laid in just about every one of them. He is not a Good person, but, he is not a liar, either. You fucked Carolla (when you were married), isn’t that right, Carolla? People who lie get punished, in mysterious ways…

Kat: steve, just got your texts. I can’t believe you’d say some of that stuff. Nice knowin you.

Steve-O: At least I’m not a liar. Good luck with doing more of that. Liar.

Don’t bother crying to Nikki over the fact that I’m honest. He doesn’t like liars either, and your panties get to easily twisted up in a bitchy, mad-for-no-reason bunch for you to last so much as three weeks with him.

Kat; wrong you. Nikki is a friend. That’s it. Please stop texting me these mean messages.

Steve-O: Sorry for my poor grammar. I had to clean out my closet. Why’d you delete Orbi. Why’d you let your publicist go to the tabloids with “kat dumps steve-o” (only for you to wind up with “steve-o dumped by tattoo artist), why’d you sweep that hate message under the rug for eight months instead of get GOOD press out of SQUASHING IT IF YOU DIDN’T WRITE IT?

Kat: Dude. Enough of this bullshit. My publicist did NOT say anything about our break up. They got that shit from someone on YOUR end. Don’t put that shit on me. I was the one that wanted to keep everything private. And you know that! I’m not gonna take blame for shit I didn’t do. NOW, PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE.

Steve-O: I don’t have a publicist. And nobody on my end would fuck with me like that. My advice is to ask Garver to pull your career out of the fire. He’s the only one who can, and he’s not a liar. Good luck. Game over.

Kat; and ps. My career is not on fire.

Steve-O: Right, it’s not “on fire”, it’s “cooling down” quick…

Kat: STOP TEXTING ME.

Steve-O: Two words. DANNY WAY…

Nowhere in that correspondence did Kat deny that she did, in fact, write that hateful message, and hand it,
herself, to Chris Garver. She cheated on her husband with me, Bam, Carolla, Ville Vallo, my friend, Bryan Gillooly, and God-only-knows who else. And she’s on record lying about alot of things. I don’t care, I’ve moved on now. I’m a happily married Family Man...

Harsh words from the guy who staples his ballbag for a living! I think the worst part of all these accusations is the notion of someone who is even remotely sane would be involved in any way with Steve-O. But good news, besides his "hot wife", he always has his big dick and a rap career to fall back on.

In NYC? Like music?

My current favorite French electro artist, Yelle, is playing at my former place of employment, the Knitting Factory. You should go! Tickets are $15 and the doors open at 7.

UPDATE: You guys work quick! The show is now sold out. Hope you got while the gettin' was good.

Will Ferrell stays classy, goes back to well™

SXSW film fest producer Matt Dentler has some Will Ferrell news for you - and boy is it...predictable! At a recent screening of Ferrell's Semi-Pro at the Alamo Drafthouse, the hairy tall guy had this to say:

Ferrell commented that as he's performed his Anchorman character Ron Burgundy on the tour, he's started to think up possible ideas for a potential sequel to that film.

In the article we also find out Ferrell was originally offered the Butterscotch Stallion role in Wedding Crashers - scandalous!

Pop Pebbles: TVT R.I.P.; Armchair gangsters; Sisters in love; Black-eyed fighters

Because they can't all be gems, we bring you Pop Pebbles, the semi-regular feature where we try to shake the magical gossip nuggets that get stuck in our shoes the past few days.

• Ottoman O.G. Pharrell announced he'll be dropping a furniture line.
• The Black Eyed Peas Taboo is joining the cast of the upcoming Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li.
  
• Super-hot girl-pop throwbacks, the Puppini Sisters covered "Crazy in Love"
• TVT Records is declaring bankruptcy
• But wait! TVT ain't dead well, that's what they say for now, at least.
  

T-Pain aims for Limp Bizkit collaboration; Apocalypse forthcoming

Vocoder usin', Grammy losin' T-Pain, a/k/a the poor man's Akon did a feature on TEN singles last year. With such a prolific year of collaborations, surely he must be running out of people to work with - and he is! In an interview with MTV News, he names Toby Keith and Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst as the type of talent he aspires to sing rap - do whatever he does alongside:

another eye-opening artist that T-Pain has his sights set on, he said, is rap-rocker Fred Durst. "Get it on," he said, laughing

What does "get it on" mean in this context? I'm scared to ask. Maybe MTV and T-Pain can elaborate:

According to T-Pain, though, the idea isn't that much of a joke. "Really, to just do a T-Pain/ Limp Bizkit song, that would be awesome for me,"

Well, at least it would be awesome for someone! Thankfully, this does lead to a potential Monsters of Frathouses™ tour, which leads to a potential tour bus crash...

DJ Nick Catchdubs: "My coffee game is so major right now"

Central Booking has a good interview with Brooklyn-resident DJ Nick Catchdubs looking forward to future projects. The Fool's Gold co-owner speaks on how he got his start DJing as well as producing, upcoming fool's gold releases, how his label came to be, and more. [Central Booking]

Alf Dance Revolution

Have you heard of some guy named Soulja Boy? Apparently this young upstart began some kind of a dance fad and accompanying eyeglass fashion. The details aren't really important, it's soooo 2007. Hot in the streets now? The Alf. [Fully Fitted]

Vote in the 11th Annual Mixtape Awards

Nominations for the 11th Annual Mixtape Awards have been announced. Justo award nominees include DJ Drama, DJ Skee, Clinton Sparks, Funkmaster Flex, A-Trak, DJ Khaled, and many more. Established in 1995, the Mixtape Awards "help cultivate the understanding, appreciation, and advancement of the disc jockey". Vote or die!

Creepy headgear lights up going down

Good news has arrived for inept lovers everywhere: Purveyor of questionable-quality sex toys, Pipedream is proud to present "the Oral Sex Headlight". If you aspire to be a world-class carpet muncher, but didn't eat your carrots growing up, this might be the answer for you. Hopefully you don't mind looking like a complete douchebag/telemarketer while you do the deed. We do, however caution you to watch out for the vag miner's greatest risk: the dreaded black mung. [Oral Sex Head Light via Gizmodo]

Alternate universe found, in which the Patriots won the Superbowl

Ever wonder what happens to the merchandise of the team that loses the Superbowl? You know, all that stuff that says City Name Sports Team : Superbowl Champions? Oh, you already knew that all the shirts and hats just go to the third world countries, huh? Well, now you have pictures.

The War Against Rap: Usher victim of conspiracy

Did you know there's an internal conspiracy against former-Broadway star and R&B king Usher? Because there totes is! MTV News has the story, complete with dramatic, paranoid quotes:

"It's internal conspiracy," he said Sunday night at the Grammys. "I don't know what's going on with all these records that have been leaked. It ain't been me, dog."

Sooooo mysterious. Who could it be!? Thanks to the Encylopedia Brown level sleuthery from MTV, we don't have to wonder much longer. The evil masked man reveals himself, just a paragraph later, none other than hit-or-miss Fergie collaborator Polow Da Don.

• "I actually leaked it. I'm the culprit,"
• "When I spoke to Usher, he was like, 'Maaaan, why'd you do it?'"

There's more, but um...yeah.

Hillary: Worst Tennant Ever

Aggressively-named news source, therawstory has details of the Clinton Campaign's stay at a number of locales across the nation. The various spaces which were used as campaign headquarters and dormitories were left "trashed", with "fast food containers all over the place and lots of campaign signs left behind" says talkative landlord, Terry Bennett. But that's not all! Team Hill allegedly owes a whopping five hundred bills to Mr. Bennett, while some other dude from Iowa says he's owed $7,600.

Bennett, who I assume was an uncredited dialogue writer for the Dukes of Hazzard, isn't taking this lying down, either (even though he's since been paid and donated aforementioned cash-money to Obama)! He's told the newspaper! "They have their tail in a vise, and I am holding a gas jet under it,". Watch out, Clinton staffers - Bennett is ready to light your tail ablaze at a moment's notice!

The Raw Story: NH landlord donates late Clinton rent check to Obama campaign

WCAX Is Not Reporting A Junior High Shooting!

Vermont-based television station, WCAX posted a story from the wires today instructing them NOT to go with a story regarding a junior high shooting in Oxnard, California. Instructions from the Associated Press inform them "a kill is mandatory". Awkward! Full text follows:

Associated Press - February 13, 2008 9:13 PM ET

OXNARD, Ca. (AP) - Kill the story filed as V2023, V2025, slugged Junior High Shooting, which moved at 6:02 and 6:13 p.m. Eastern. Do not use the story. The medical examiner says Lawrence King has been declared brain dead by two neurosurgeons and is clinically dead but remains on a ventilator for possible organ donation. He has not died.

A kill is mandatory.

Make certain the story is not published.

Too late.

OMG! Dude from Paramore totes jk about Hillary

Did you hear what some guy from that band Paramore said!? No? Well, he called presidential candidate Hillary Clinton "crazy"! In a webchat with Gigwise, guitarist Josh Farro relented to the Leaders of Tomorrow™ and finally clued us in on his position on the 2008 Election:

"I haven’t really looked into US politicians that much this year. I really hope Hillary Clinton doesn’t get elected cause she’s crazy!!!!"

You hear that, America? Four exclamation points worth of crazy, that Hillary Clinton. But maybe crazy is what America needs, says some kid named Renan during the same exchange. Farro responds:

“Why do we need a crazy person in charge? What good would that do?”

Controversial! But don't worry - the guitarist of Paramore doesn't mean what he says:

"[Bassist] Jeremy [Davis] and I were on a message board, and kids were just asking us continually, 'What do you think about Hillary Clinton?' and I just felt like saying, 'She's crazy,' " Farro said. "Because we're not a political band at all, like, we try and separate ourselves from that because it gets too ... I didn't mean anything by it, and now I've learned to keep my mouth shut about that stuff. Stay out of politics."

Gets too...what, Josh? My guess is too confusing for your key demo.

Bob Loblaw's Legal Eagle: Randy Quaid: "Go fuck yourself!"

Welcome to Bob Loblaw's Legal Eagle, a feature that appears when crazies as well as money-hungry normals attempt to sue the pants off celebrities and eccentric billionares of Scrooge McDuck-esque portions. And no, we don't care that there already is a real Bob Loblaw.

In today's Legal Eagle, we have some housekeeping to do. This past month was busy for Randy "Cousin Eddie" Quaid! His wife, Evi kicked some receptionist in the shins until she bled and uncovered the Nazi plot against Mr. Quaid! He got banned from Actor's Equity! But there's more: Gothamist has reposted letters sent to the Post and Backstage. In Randy's letter to the post, he explains that Equity can't fire him because he's already quit!

Hood Rich: Nas and Ratatat

Yesssirrr it's time for Hood Rich: All the news that's fit to pimp. It's our feeble attempt at collecting some of the more interesting recent happenings in the world of hip-hop into one easily palatable information smoothie.

• Ratatat Remixes Mixtape Volume 2, the Brooklyn electronica duo's sophomore rap remix compilation is available for free download from Ratatat's website. The new record favors Roc-A-Fella greats like Jay-Z and Beanie Sigel, Dirty South residents Young Buck and Bun B. and the timeless Notorious B.I.G.
• Nah Right has a pretty funny video chronciling the plight of the cauacasian Nas fan and the challenges posed by his new album, "Nigger".
  

Rihanna involved in completely uneventful car crash

Grammy Award winner Rihanna, who we recently found out is a recipient of The Time frontman Morris Day's "Jungle Love" was recently involved in post-Grammy a car accident! But everyone's fine. No reason to be alarmed. Or to care at all, actually.

The war against HD DVD continues

HD DVD, the modern-day Beta just can't get a break. Netflix has announced they will discontinue carrying the format, and will have phased it out completely by year's end.

The HD DVD Group always sees the silver lining in every cloud of a shitstorm. They issued this sticks-and-stones statement:
We have long held the belief that HD DVD is the best format for consumers based on quality and value, and with more than 1 million HD DVD players on the market, it's unfortunate to see Netflix make the decision to only stock Blu-ray titles going forward. While the Best Buy announcement says they will recommend Blu-ray, at least they will continue to carry HD DVD and offer consumers a choice at retail.

Bob Loblaw's Legal Eagle

Welcome to Bob Loblaw's Legal Eagle, a feature that appears when crazies as well as money-hungry normals attempt to sue the pants off celebrities and eccentric billionares of Scrooge McDuck-esque portions. And no, we don't care that there already is a real Bob Loblaw.

First up we have Mel Columcille Gerard Gibson. You may know him as Mad Max, the guy who says "Give me back my son!" in Ransom, or even as that dude who called some cop "sugar tits". But today we learned what religiously-named Benedict Fitzgerald sees him as: A LIAR!

• Fitzgerald, who shared screenwriting credits with Gibson, claimed he agreed to "a salary substantially less than what he would have taken had he known the true budget for the film,"
• The lawsuit claims fraud, breach of contract, unjust enrichment and seeks unspecified damages. It also names Gibson's Icon Productions LLC as a defendant.

In other gavel-swinging news, the family of beloved Three's Company star and my childhood hero, John Ritter, are suing a bunch of Burban doctor-types. The suit alleges that two doctors and eight other medical personnel wrongfully diagnosed and treated Ritter, who died from an aoritc tear in 2003.

Reader Survey: How do you hide your boner?

The SomethingAwful forums are widely known to be a hotbed of internet activity. In this case, the definition of activity includes socially inept behavior, public spectacle, and um..

On second thought, we'll let this recent forum post speak for itself:

Recently I found I was not the only one.

Long ago, when I would be making out with a lady, I would get a boner, and for whatever reason, I thought she might be upset about that (I don't know why). So when we were finished with kissing, I would have to leave the room "clever" so she woudlent see it.

What I would do was crawl away on all fours pretending to be a cat. I would even go as far as saying "meow" as I crawled around the corner to fix myself before I went upstairs.....

Another friend of mine apparently use to pretend he was a monkey while jumped around until he was clear out of the room.

Anyone else?

We know one of you has a story of how you hide that horribly emasculating piece of your anatomy commonly known as a boner. Which one of God's beautiful creatures do you find to be the most representative of your penis-related shame?

Source: Did you hide your boner?

Breaking: Drinks have calories, too!

Transfat, calories, sugar, and everything else in the world is bad for you. This has been established. Until today, we have known only of fast food restaurants as the harbingers of a delicious but fattening demise.

The NY State Health Department is requiring chain resturants with more than 15 locations to list the calorie contents of sundry libations. Oh nose! What will we do?

Thankfully, Big Grub will protect us from our own ignorance:

The New York State Restaurant Association has filed suit against the Health Department.

"We believe this regulation is unconstitutional, will confuse consumers, and will not achieve its intended purpose," said Amy Freshwater, a spokeswoman for Carlson Restaurants Worldwide, the parent company of T.G.I. Friday's.

To be honest, the scientific manner in which these nutrition facts are displayed can be a little daunting. What's a calorie? And why are there approx. 500 in a Chocolate Martini? This type of jargon can be impenetrable to the average eater's eye.

Source: NY Post

Broadway Adaptation of Fight Club in the works

Fight Club, the 1999 cult classic about pent-up aggression, anti-capitalistism, and consumerism is preparing to make a bloody, fabulous splash into Broadway theaters for the film's 10th anniversary.

Director David Fincher told MTV News:

"I want at the 10-year anniversary to do 'Fight Club' as a musical on Broadway...I love the idea of that.""

I suppose no one ever told David Fincher the first rule of in development projects.

Whiny college student wants to abolish govt.

Arizona Wildcat readers were shocked to read a scathing editorial on student government organization the ASUA in this week's paper. Actually, no one cares because no one reads the Wildcat. [ed. except us]

University of Arizona student Connor Meddenhall, who is probably voting for Ron Paul, is the sophomore opinions editor for the Wildcat. His 1,300+ word ramblings include a detailed list of why the student government needs to be abolished.

Meddenhall produces hard numbers including decreased voter turnout and misappropriated funds. He claims student apathy is reason enough to disband the organization but continues to go on for another four-pages bitching about lobbyists and the integrity of student leaders. It's our guess he's pissed about getting burned on campaign promises such as chocolate milk from the water fountains and no homework.

Source: The Arizona Wildcat

The Brooksville Police Dept. ain't nothin' to fuck wit'

Gone are the days when townsfolk regaled neighborhood youths with ditties like DJ Jazzy Jeff's "Summertime". In today's post-9/11 world, nothing is sacred, including the impressionable virgin ears of the leaders of tomorrow.

Skeezy Floridian Christopher Holder has been cited for singing a rap song by the notoriously bland and awkwardly named Lil Boosie. In a deposition, Holder, presumably a Joe Dirt impersonator, told police: he did not believe children needed to hear [that kind of] language.

Please, won't somebody save our children!?

Source: WJXX

And like that, Criss Angel's write-in campaign comes to an end

"At a voting precinct in Chicago yesterday, a vote-scanning machine rejected 20 paper ballots that voters had used “magic” invisible ink pens to fill out."

Evidently, Chicago voters had mistakenly (and idiotically) used the tablet for the electronic voting machines in order to write on paper ballets. Wonkette has the story.

...and we're back!

I apologize for the lack of posts this past week, I have been having some ISP-related outages, but everything seems to be mostly back on track now.

Pop Pebbles: Hillary, Code Pink, super chicken dance, weed vending machines, idiotarod

Because they can't all be gems, we bring you Pop Pebbles, the semi-regular feature where we try to shake the magical gossip nuggets that get stuck in our shoes the past few days.

• Hillary Clinton had a convenient memory lapse upon being reminded of encounters with certain shady individuals on Friday's Today Show.
• Colbert Report writers parodied the batshit crazy Code Pink protestors during a Congressional meeting
• The NFL protects their brand and comes off out of touch, banning players from engaging in novelty dance crazes in support of charity (and um...major fried chicken corporations)
• Grammy performers were announced, the biggest surprises including The Time, Aretha Franklin(the MusicCares 2008 Person of the Year), and some gospel artists presented by Music Cares that, evidently, no one could care less about
• A new, unfortunately named music venue is opening in New York, [le] Poisson Rouge, or the Red Fish
• A Chinese couple sued the subway system when their PDA became more public than they had hoped. No word yet on a class action lawsuit regarding the everpresent smell of urine and "accidental" reacharounds on packed cars.
• Web 2.0 service EveryBlock launches, an aggregator of local news, crime reports, resturant reviews, and more. Craig Numark cries himself to sleep.
• Internet Crusaders "Anonymous" continue their war on Scientology, getting TV coverage
• The world's first weed vending machine opened its doors in LA. "Fuckin' machine" yet to take someone's quarter.
• The NYPD launches the cleverly-titled "Operation Secret Rider" to find and fine rude cab drivers.
• There's still time to register for tomorrow's Idiotarod, an event appealing to New York-based costumed douches with shopping carts
• Apparently a local actor by the name of "Keith Ledger" has tragically passed away. More information is not available at presstime.
  

Get Smart International trailer surfaces, indifference ensues

Fans of the 70's espionage-based sitcoms and defenders of Steve Carrell's funny but limited acting ability are sure to be disappointed by the new Get Smart trailer which turned up online earlier today. The trailer, which features Carrell talking into his shoe-phone, some derivative sight gigs, Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson, a rather plain looking Anne Hathaway (a/k/a Anne Hathaway), and the other guy from Borat can be seen here. A dude posting on the internet puts it best:

"maneuvering through a laser field" has become the new "old people dancing to hip-hop".

True, but not sad. It could be worse, however, it could be Johnny English 2.

Source: Some guy [Via AintItCool]

Breaking: Moz is a douche of epic proportions

In what will surely come as a surprise to, well, no one, whiny British crybaby Morrissey is apparently quite difficult to get on with. A piece published in today's Times Online, a UK paper discusses the very high standards a member of the former Smiths singer must live up to. Former assistant tour manager Andrew Winters reveals "shocking" details of the singer's mandatory vegans-only rule, strict dress code, choice of drinking games, and olfactory necessities:

I am told that if I am accepted, then it will be the most unusual gig I will ever experience. ...

...I get the sense if I am caught even visibly acknowledging the existence of a McDonald’s - instant sacking. I politely ask what the view is on fish. Seafood is sea life, I am informed, the same rule applies....

... The production carries “sound-check suits”. I am informed that the band are considered “ambassadors” of the Morrissey tour and are therefore expected to be dressed in these suits for all soundchecks, all collective flights, all dinners and functions that may possibly include Morrissey – and it’s my responsibility to make sure that they are wearing them....

... During the soundcheck I am to “fragrance spray” between the front row and front of house and am informed that Morrissey’s PA will provide me with the fragrance of the day “if required”....

...Be careful, Andrew,” someone warns me. “Moz hates people who are boring . . . but then, he also hates people being too pushy around him. Establishing common ground quickly is important.”...

... Morrissey looks at me with what seems like a slight smirk and shakes my hand. “Don’t worry, Andrew, it can only get better than this,” he says – and then proceeds to grab his guitarist and rub his fingers through his hair....

... While this is going on everyone is drinking. Morrissey instructs his PA to order him a large vodka concoction...A drinking game ensues, where one of the musicians is encouraged to knock back his pint to a chorus of “Down in one, down in one, down in one,” a chant to which Morrissey himself adds flamenco claps, skipping in front of his employee. He immediately beckons for another pint for the same musician and the process is repeated....

Not only this, but apparently admiration of either Henry Rollins or Elton John do not bode well! But was Moz's vacant promise regarding things getting better ultimately true? Depends who you ask, as Mr. Winters got the boot on the second day of rehearsals.

One-hit-wonder SisQo turns up on country music star's doorstep

Wondering where platinum-follicled, dragon-unleashing SisQo (né Mark Althavean Andrews), sometimes judge of Most Talented Kids, former host of SisQo's Shakedown has gone? The old business model™ and paradigm shifts have held him back! He's now gold-haired wanna-be crooner, vying to become the biggest thing country music has ever seen. The derriere-adoring will be competing against a rag-tag group of six(6!) other has-beens will test their physical and mental agility to prove they are still relevant, and get a chance to have a song produced by John Rich of country duo "Big & Rich".

Let's meet our "celebrities"! Chart attackin' and heart attackin' Bobby Brown, former Wilson Philips member and author Carnie Philips, a scary blonde tranny , Juilio Iglesias Jr., Diana DeGarmo (who?), and Marcia Brady round out the cast for what's sure to be the most revitalizing move a television network has made since the renewal of American Gladiators.

Says the network that brought you My Big Redneck Wedding and Trick My Truck:

"Each celebrity will be paired up with some of Nashville's finest songwriters in an attempt to prepare them for a career in country music. In each episode, the cast competes against each other in challenges that will test them musically and physically to adapt to a country music lifestyle, both on and off the stage. At the end of the two weeks, the artist who is most prepared to impress a country audience, as determined by Rich, will record and release a song."

What does adapting to a country music lifestyle entail? Um...stuff like driving ATVs(which is "metal" and "confusing!") and...singing? We'll have to just sit and wait until the premiere, Friday night at 8 on CMT!

Or, you know, watch all the performances on grainy cameraphone videos on YouTube! Might I add, a youtube which features comments from youtube users such as "IdolSeacrest", "CountryMusikFan", and "Dianafan100"(authentic sounding!), saying things like:

• sisqo is king!
• Diana should win!
• Bobby n Sisqo are the kings of r n b
• when does this show start (followed by: i believe it's january 25th)

Here are four of the seven (sorry Julio, Carnie, and Marcia Brady fans), in all their muffled audio and lossy framerate glory:

Bobby Brown

Diana DeGarmo

SisQo

Dee Snider

Source: http://www.cmt.com/shows/dyn/gone-country/series.jhtml

VH1 Shuns Local Legend (as does Linkin Park, bulldogs, Myspace, and people with taste)

Self-described “Internationally known Brooklyn local underground Queen”, Jah Jah, a white rapstress has come clean about the unethical and “corny-ass” treatment of D-list nostalgia kings VH1. Says the pasty wiggerette:

“on september 29th I was asked to be on Vh1 hip hop honors to do a skit with Tracey [sic] Morgan..they gassed my head, told me that I had the main punchline skit and Tracey Morgan was going to "INTRODUCE me to hip hop" ( from Dara Cooke, and Nelson, producers).

"Jah Jah, we heard your a great rapper, no , we KNOW your [sic] an awesome rapper" "VH1 is going to introduce u to hip hop the right way with Tracy Morgan saying that Im Hip hop. ( TOTAL HEAD GAS)

whatever right?

so they hand me a Rakim rap and a Biggie verse and a fuckin Nas lyric and asked me to learn it in 2 minutes. haha ok. fine

yo. I got to tell u, I hailed a cab like all them motherfuckers, but crazy fly, u know me.. my hair done Purrfect, cute shirt that read across my tits " Naturalle SAN SILICONE" ..

again, Nelson was trying to gass my head "oh Jah Jah you could have won an Emmy for hailing that cab"

holy shit, these vultures in the studios were like so disgusting. the minute i was telling them some story about some old school cracked up rapper they were already making up a fuckin show about one hit wonders. these fuckers are so hungry for ideas..

…They Cut the Footage , lied about some timing shit, put in some super extended Gotti Advertistement . no problem .but..2 days later Myspace and Vh1 and other companies copped the French Graphic off my shirt, and it started appearing in ads. we have this recorded.
2 weeks later, in Commons video " Driving me WIld" they used exactly how i shuffled my feet and held a bag in my hand as a prop, no problem.. they can do what they want with my cues in the editing room..”

But that’s not all! Jah Jah ain’t no “studio gangster"(on the contrary!) she knows you need to be tough and edgy in this business:

“If being ATTACKed and surving is what makes for a good artist story these days, I've been seriously attacked by a 90lb Mastif pitbull, chewed off a chunk of my leg ( plus u can see my scars in my video if u look hard).. This Dona Diva was Numero 8 on myspace unsigned Hip Hop artist charts for over 1 year....until ah hem, I was deleted because as myspace told my manager "I posted a link on Linkin Parks page too big" hahaha... haterz . its fine.. who wants to be a myspace star anyway? oh yea, you couldnt pay me enough skrilla to be on "The White Rapper Show", I was gonna dip faster than a pig in carmel sh*t if I got picked to be on that comedy trap. $100.000 cool but u give them 100% of your publishing for 6 albums ahaha no wonder they punked me with a fake edit!! ask Shamrock who killed the audition for real!”

But this won’t get Jah Jah down! As she opines in third person: “Jah Jah is the most invisibly noticed artist, don’t sleep on her. Industry or not, the music is crack, the fans don’t lie.”

Source: http://www.myspace.com/mcjahjah